The rain that brings you here is heaven sent

I wish I could go back to being a kid, where everything was black and white.
We've got the ten commandments: Don't kill, don't steal, don't covet, don't commit adultery, have no other gods before God, don't bear false witness against your neighbor, etc.
Then it gets complicated: Like, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.
What does that mean? And how do you get to a place where you love God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength? How do you start? How do you know when you're there? Is that a place where people are even capable of going? And if not, what then? Will I always be stuck asking these questions about right and wrong? Does God give credit for trying really hard? Or what if you're trying as hard as you can and you still make the completely wrong choice? What then? Which is more important? Wanting to do the right thing or actually doing the right thing? If it's the first, then how are you certain of your own desires? My heart is so torn that I'm not sure which I want anymore. And even if most of me wanted to do the right thing, what about that part of me that wants the wrong thing? Which one will win out? How do I get to that place where I know I'm making the right choice? And how do I know what the right choice is to begin with? How do I draw the line between being helpful and being an enabler? How do I remain vulnerable and distant? How do I show him who God is and who I am without falling for him? Is this even my job or should I turn it over to someone else? Would he even listen to anyone else?
I trust God, I do, but I know that I have a choice to make here. I know that I have to decide who I am and what I want. And maybe things will sort themselves out after that. I know I am a child of God, and after a week or so of trying to deny it, I know it's not worth it to try and walk away from Him. So how do I show someone that part of me? Do I tell him or show him? Or some combination of both? And in the meantime, how to I keep myself from doing something I'll regret? Thank God that I don't regret anything yet. I can feel myself getting close to that line that I drew 20 miles away from the actual line, but I haven't crossed it yet, and for that I'm a little proud and oh so grateful.
I want so much for him to know the love that I know in Christ. And I'd lost sight of that for a while. But I know that I can't fix him any more than he can be everything I need. God is amazing because He reminds me of this. Satan whispers lies into my ear and I almost believe them, but God in his glorious grace has brought me too far, and breathed truth into me for too long to let me fully believe the lies. So here I am. Deciding again that transparent is the way that I want to live my life. Because when I'm transparent I show who I am in Christ. Helpless and hurting, still making mistakes; but deeply loved, forgiven, and alive like I have never been before. This is the place that God is drawing me to. I was afraid for a minute that He would let me go. But I guess He loves me more than that. And that's all I needed to know.


Savoring this heart that's healing,
C