You wanna know the funny thing about addiction? It's hard to quit.
But I did. Rather cold turkey, I might add. I talked to a friend who was addicted with me and we've quit together. It's been the hardest thing I've ever done, to let go of something in my life that felt soooo good, but I know it's right, and somewhere, deep down, even in the most tempting moments, I'm proud of us. The temptation is sill there in a HUGE way, and while I know the easiest thing would be to get rid of temptation, isn't there something to be said for resisting it? It somehow makes me feel stronger to not give in, not even a little. Sometimes the temptation is so strong it makes me feel weak, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I know that I'm being strong. Something reassures me, and I think it's Jesus. He reminds me I'm being courageous, because life is hard to face, and it's even harder when you give up something that made you feel amazing and that let you forget.

So here's what I don't like about college: There are no little kids! I didn't realize how much I missed their energy and sweetness till I got to see my cousins over thanksgiving. I enjoy being the older one, the one they look up to, and I miss the cuddles for sure. I'm remembering that as much as my siblings stress me out, I miss them and I miss being there to watch them grow up. However, the parallel came to mind that as much as I miss them, it doesn't hurt like it used to. It kinda pangs at the moment, but on a daily basis I don't feel unfulfilled. I've learned to live without them, and it gives me hope that I'll learn to live without drugs too, and that someday, this dull frusturated feeling will go away.

~C

I wonder why God lets me walk through this place?

Something like relief floods my soul.
I've been reading a friends blog and it strikes me as a horrible, horrible thing that we hide what's going on in our lives. It's almost like we think we have to bear things alone. Like people will judge us and try and tell us what to do. What would happen if my entire soul were laid bare for the world to see? Surely pain, right? I think that's what Satan wants us to think. To borrow/paraphrase a line from Harry Potter : He probably wants you to think that you're all alone, because if you're alone, then you're less of a threat. I know from past experience that letting people know what's going on in your life is one of the most powerful, liberating things you can do. To stand up in front of the world and say "Look, here's my sin, here's my shame, take it or leave it, God is still working on me." This is what my friend has done through his blog, and it has struck a place in my heart. I thought this morning that I was the only one struggling with all this doubt and fear. I thought I was the only one. I now know how wrong I was. And it feels so amazing to know that I'm not alone after all. And although God knew, I didn't know how desperately I needed the encouragement.

So here's what's going on in my life:

My parents may or may not be getting a divorce. My mom tells me to be sneaky and slyly tell my dad that I need that tution money for next semester now, even though I don't really need it for a month or so, but he's spent it, and I want it in my account where I can see it. There's a sneakyness and dishonesty there that I strongly dislike. I don't think there's any harm in a white lie, but these lies are meant to decieve. I guess my mom figures that if he's being deceptive than she can too. I've just decided that I won't be a part of it. I won't tell him everything that I know, because honestly most of it is speculation on my moms part anyway, but I'm done being conniving. I realize that's easy to say now that I've got the money... My dad and I are going out to dinner on Wednesday, and I plan on telling him exactly what's going on in my life. Not because I think he can help, not because I want to hurt him, but because I want him to know. "Confessions of a Broken Heart" by Lindsey Lohan is what I feel right now. I don't know him, but I still want to. I want to give him one last chance to love me. He doesn't even have to get it right, he just has to try. But if he doesn't try....I think my heart is in serious danger of cutting him out completely. I'll still pray for him and talk to him and love him (mostly because I can't stop loving him), but I can't keep depending on a person who keeps letting me down. At least I don't think. I'm seeking God's guidance on this, and something deep down tells me that maybe, just maybe, I'm on the right track. Something in me feels....brave. Courageous. Terrified, but like I'm going into battle, fighting like a girl. Fighting for his heart and my own.

In other news, I think I'm addicted. I got to a place in my life where I was desperate for something, anything, to make me feel better. A "friend", who seemed well meaning, offered me a drug and I took it wholeheartedly. He told me that it was medicine, just the tonic I needed. And boy did it help. When I'm high, I can forget that it's wrong to be high because I'm so happy, finally, that everything seems to make sense. I rationalize, I try and make it seem right, but it's really just because I want it so badly. I want it more than almost anything. I'm addicted. I'm hooked, dependent. I'll give up almost anything, even my morals and my body to get this because it makes me feel better. It makes me forget. The "friend" was Satan, and the drug was a poision apple. Satan saw my bleeding heart, stuck in another knife and twisted it. But it was such a pretty knife that I let him. I don't understand how any being could cause so much pain. I'd like to direct all my rage at Satan, but I know I took the pill of my own free will. It feels like bondage, but it's the only thing that I can count on in life. It's the only thing that I can always lay my hands on when I need to just smile. It makes me feel better immediately. this drug. Wow, I really am addicted aren't I? I mean, I know it's bad for me. I know it won't fix anything in the long run. I know it would be better to fall on my own than be lifted up by something that's not real. But deep down I'm terrified of letting go because it feels like this is all I have left. And the worst thing of all is that I'm not the only one I'm hurting...
Today is my 21st birthday and that scares me, because, even though I've never been drunk, the temptation is there to go out and get so messed up that I forget everything. Not because it will help, but because I want to forget that I'm an addict. Switching from one addiction to another is never a good thing, however. And I realize that. But at least this way I'd only be hurting myself...
It feels so good to admit. I feel better having let it out. But now what? Addicts go to rehab, right. They get away from the situation to grow strong enough to resist on their own.

There's a very real battle here. A fight is going on that I've been unaware of. And I am a prisoner of war.

~C

Every mountain has two valleys

It must, for this is what makes it a mountain.
I've noticed that I live for the mountains and spend so much time and energy trying to climb them. When I'm not on top of one I'm frustrated, confused, worried that I'm being punished for not doing something right. After all, if I were a good Christian I would always have joy. Not happiness, really, but joy. I would always find a reason to dance, laugh, love. I would look at the terrible things in my life and go "It's ok! God is in control! Halelujah!"
But life isn't like that. I despair. And I wonder if that's ok? Most times my cry sounds a lot more like this: "God, I know you're in control, but just so You know, this sucks and I hate it!"
I'm beginning to wonder if being a Christian is not about being happy in the sad times. What if you don't have to be content always. What if life is about learning to deal with the brokenness?
But I don't want to go there. In some ways, well lets face it, in many ways I'm afraid of brokenness. If I don't feel then no one can hurt me, right? Wrong, I'm afraid. I still hurt I just bury the wound so it never heals. That can't be good.
So what do I do? I don't want to start this journey because I'm afraid of what I'll find. Pain, brokenness, hurt I've caused to other people. But something in me wants it so much. Because something in me knows, though tentatively, that I will also find a love deeper than any I've ever known.
Love. People try their whole lives to understand it. But what if love really can change everything? What if love really does bring life? What if all I need really is love? What if God made me for beauty? What if he made me to live as something better? Is it right to be afraid of yourself? I don't think it is. After all, all this is inside me anyway, what's the point in being afraid of it? What if my walls aren't made of brick after all? I know now that I can keep them strong enough so that no one can get inside, but surely God won't hurt me, right?
I'm not sure yet, but I know I have to try. I'm terrified. Terrified but determined. Tentative, shaky. I know I don't have to jump into this all at once, but I know that somethings going on here that I desperately want to be a part of. I need it. I need to believe that I can help others. I need to believe I can be worthy of something greater. I can't live without it. I can't love without it.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

I can't run away from what I've been called to. As much as I want to I can't hide it. So I think I'll start this journey. I know I won't get there in a day. I just want to start. I want to see what will happen, and whether it will really be worth it in the end or not.

~C

Beauty from Pain

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain