I wonder why God lets me walk through this place?

Something like relief floods my soul.
I've been reading a friends blog and it strikes me as a horrible, horrible thing that we hide what's going on in our lives. It's almost like we think we have to bear things alone. Like people will judge us and try and tell us what to do. What would happen if my entire soul were laid bare for the world to see? Surely pain, right? I think that's what Satan wants us to think. To borrow/paraphrase a line from Harry Potter : He probably wants you to think that you're all alone, because if you're alone, then you're less of a threat. I know from past experience that letting people know what's going on in your life is one of the most powerful, liberating things you can do. To stand up in front of the world and say "Look, here's my sin, here's my shame, take it or leave it, God is still working on me." This is what my friend has done through his blog, and it has struck a place in my heart. I thought this morning that I was the only one struggling with all this doubt and fear. I thought I was the only one. I now know how wrong I was. And it feels so amazing to know that I'm not alone after all. And although God knew, I didn't know how desperately I needed the encouragement.

So here's what's going on in my life:

My parents may or may not be getting a divorce. My mom tells me to be sneaky and slyly tell my dad that I need that tution money for next semester now, even though I don't really need it for a month or so, but he's spent it, and I want it in my account where I can see it. There's a sneakyness and dishonesty there that I strongly dislike. I don't think there's any harm in a white lie, but these lies are meant to decieve. I guess my mom figures that if he's being deceptive than she can too. I've just decided that I won't be a part of it. I won't tell him everything that I know, because honestly most of it is speculation on my moms part anyway, but I'm done being conniving. I realize that's easy to say now that I've got the money... My dad and I are going out to dinner on Wednesday, and I plan on telling him exactly what's going on in my life. Not because I think he can help, not because I want to hurt him, but because I want him to know. "Confessions of a Broken Heart" by Lindsey Lohan is what I feel right now. I don't know him, but I still want to. I want to give him one last chance to love me. He doesn't even have to get it right, he just has to try. But if he doesn't try....I think my heart is in serious danger of cutting him out completely. I'll still pray for him and talk to him and love him (mostly because I can't stop loving him), but I can't keep depending on a person who keeps letting me down. At least I don't think. I'm seeking God's guidance on this, and something deep down tells me that maybe, just maybe, I'm on the right track. Something in me feels....brave. Courageous. Terrified, but like I'm going into battle, fighting like a girl. Fighting for his heart and my own.

In other news, I think I'm addicted. I got to a place in my life where I was desperate for something, anything, to make me feel better. A "friend", who seemed well meaning, offered me a drug and I took it wholeheartedly. He told me that it was medicine, just the tonic I needed. And boy did it help. When I'm high, I can forget that it's wrong to be high because I'm so happy, finally, that everything seems to make sense. I rationalize, I try and make it seem right, but it's really just because I want it so badly. I want it more than almost anything. I'm addicted. I'm hooked, dependent. I'll give up almost anything, even my morals and my body to get this because it makes me feel better. It makes me forget. The "friend" was Satan, and the drug was a poision apple. Satan saw my bleeding heart, stuck in another knife and twisted it. But it was such a pretty knife that I let him. I don't understand how any being could cause so much pain. I'd like to direct all my rage at Satan, but I know I took the pill of my own free will. It feels like bondage, but it's the only thing that I can count on in life. It's the only thing that I can always lay my hands on when I need to just smile. It makes me feel better immediately. this drug. Wow, I really am addicted aren't I? I mean, I know it's bad for me. I know it won't fix anything in the long run. I know it would be better to fall on my own than be lifted up by something that's not real. But deep down I'm terrified of letting go because it feels like this is all I have left. And the worst thing of all is that I'm not the only one I'm hurting...
Today is my 21st birthday and that scares me, because, even though I've never been drunk, the temptation is there to go out and get so messed up that I forget everything. Not because it will help, but because I want to forget that I'm an addict. Switching from one addiction to another is never a good thing, however. And I realize that. But at least this way I'd only be hurting myself...
It feels so good to admit. I feel better having let it out. But now what? Addicts go to rehab, right. They get away from the situation to grow strong enough to resist on their own.

There's a very real battle here. A fight is going on that I've been unaware of. And I am a prisoner of war.

~C