Every mountain has two valleys

It must, for this is what makes it a mountain.
I've noticed that I live for the mountains and spend so much time and energy trying to climb them. When I'm not on top of one I'm frustrated, confused, worried that I'm being punished for not doing something right. After all, if I were a good Christian I would always have joy. Not happiness, really, but joy. I would always find a reason to dance, laugh, love. I would look at the terrible things in my life and go "It's ok! God is in control! Halelujah!"
But life isn't like that. I despair. And I wonder if that's ok? Most times my cry sounds a lot more like this: "God, I know you're in control, but just so You know, this sucks and I hate it!"
I'm beginning to wonder if being a Christian is not about being happy in the sad times. What if you don't have to be content always. What if life is about learning to deal with the brokenness?
But I don't want to go there. In some ways, well lets face it, in many ways I'm afraid of brokenness. If I don't feel then no one can hurt me, right? Wrong, I'm afraid. I still hurt I just bury the wound so it never heals. That can't be good.
So what do I do? I don't want to start this journey because I'm afraid of what I'll find. Pain, brokenness, hurt I've caused to other people. But something in me wants it so much. Because something in me knows, though tentatively, that I will also find a love deeper than any I've ever known.
Love. People try their whole lives to understand it. But what if love really can change everything? What if love really does bring life? What if all I need really is love? What if God made me for beauty? What if he made me to live as something better? Is it right to be afraid of yourself? I don't think it is. After all, all this is inside me anyway, what's the point in being afraid of it? What if my walls aren't made of brick after all? I know now that I can keep them strong enough so that no one can get inside, but surely God won't hurt me, right?
I'm not sure yet, but I know I have to try. I'm terrified. Terrified but determined. Tentative, shaky. I know I don't have to jump into this all at once, but I know that somethings going on here that I desperately want to be a part of. I need it. I need to believe that I can help others. I need to believe I can be worthy of something greater. I can't live without it. I can't love without it.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called home.

I can't run away from what I've been called to. As much as I want to I can't hide it. So I think I'll start this journey. I know I won't get there in a day. I just want to start. I want to see what will happen, and whether it will really be worth it in the end or not.

~C